Friday, August 30, 2013

Such a perfect day

Its been a long time since I felt compelled to do anything, and I dont just mean drawing or making stuff. This pertains also to getting out of bed, showering, feeding myself or a myriad of other mundane tasks that can seem insurmountable when you are being crushed under the invisable weight of a serious bummer. It only took me two years of wondering what the fuck was happening to finally admit to myself I MIGHT be depressed. It was hard to wrap my skull around, I never thought of myself as a depressive person. Prone to moods surely but all us artsy types are, aren't we? Anyway Ive been around enough people with serious depression to think that maybe I was just being too self indulgent and needed to get more fresh air. Alas no, it could be ignored no longer. There is nothing romantic about being depressed, it didn't make my art better. It made me an insufferable bore who couldn't draw herself out of a paper bag, and probably wouldn't want to anyway because its quiet and dark in there. But thank the baby jesus for modern psychiatry. I am proof of "better living through chemistry." Its like somebody pulled a plug in my brain and let all the shitty cold bathwater drain out. Low and behold I am once again able to make stuff. I also get high as a kite off one cup of coffee which is pretty fun, but sleeping is a little iffy. Days like today I remember my real life. The one where I sit on the beach by myself, drawing and thinking and letting the sun burn through my eyelids until everything has a heavenly bluish glow. I am not sure what the rest of it is, mindless chatter, confusion, ideas about what I am supposed to be doing that arent mine. But my head is clearer and I can tune that shit out. I am having a feeling I had almost forgotten about, or though would never come again. I am on the edge of something, it is nagging me to usher it in to creation, but its just outside of my line of sight. The more I work the closer its getting. My drawings are changing, getting better, or I am feeling more confidant about them. I think I am about to shit my masterpiece.