Its stormy today and my senses are in a state of temporary lassitude. all i can do is lay in bed and listen to music and draw. ill emerge tomorrow from my hyperbaric bed chamber ready for another week of mind fucking.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
woke up at the crack of three pm after staying up until six am the night before, dancing at a club. weekends are free so some of us decided to wander around amsterdam, we are here so why not? I saw all the things you're supposed to see...red lights and women in the windows selling their bodies for sex. I smoked some weed in a cramped little cafe, with lots of glowing glass hookas that changed colors, a perfect stoney delight to stare at. Amsterdam really facilitates the pot head...every corner is pastry shop and stalls selling french fries. So naturally I ate a hot chocolate covered waffle and some fries with mayo and curry sauce topped with onions, real good. It is a city of hedonistic delight, all bars and weed cafes and sex everywhere. Theres so many people wandering around the tiny streets and we are all fucked up on something or looking to get fucked up anyway. It was too late by the time we got there to go to any museums which is a drag because thats what I want to see the most. It was good to walk aimlesly and look at the pulsing masses doing whatever it is in their head to do, ride a boat down the canal with a bucket full of beer, eat at a little cafe, pick up a prostitute...you know. One final gift on the train ride home...a drunk young man across the aisle from me unzips and starts peeing in his empty beer can. real classy.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
I have been in Breukelen for a week now. I think I am finally getting a hold on the acedemic wankery and even starting to thoroughly enjoy it. Today we had an epic discussion about power differentials in desire and sexuality, and masculinity and globalization. Slowly these abstract theories are coming in to focus and I am learning how to think about things more critically which is good...the whole point maybe. Im getting all kinds of wicked smart. I barely have time between class all morning and debates all afternoon then wine drinking cigarette smoking round table at night to do anything else. The people are good, from so many different places, Mary is teaching me Italian slowly as we fight through conversation in english, Karen is the sparkle junkie from Brooklyn who can turn anything into a pop culture reference, Eleanor works at a movie theater just like me only on an island in Maine. Theres so many of us, and I am slowly making the rounds to get everyones story. All the unique snowflakes as Max would say. Its funny how fast this has become what feels like home, or normal anyway. I have my funny little routines just like at home, but different because I am here. There are things I dont miss, like driving a car, talking on a cell phone, showing up for work...Its a good vacation from the drudgery of normal life, even though this life has its drudgery too, its fun because its different. The weekend is coming and I think we are all going to get lost in Amsterdam, you know no big deal.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Oh my stars there is plenty of distraction here in Breukelen but yesterday was the first day of the NOISE conference. Think of it as masters and Phd level lectures on queer and feminist theories of sexuality by day, and by night a feminist summer camp. We had a getting to know you bbq last night, there are some amazing people here and the profesors are some of the most brilliant women in the field. It is super intimidating. There are times I dont quite understand everything, because they get so heavy in to theories ive never heard of and speak in the languge of academia which i am less than familiar. if you want a real education, come to europe, they are not fucking around. Its made all the more magical because we are nestled in the elaborate forrests of Kaastle Njyenrode. Yes its a real castle. Does it have a moat and a draw bridge? Of course. So far everyday here has been the most rad fun ever, even laying in bed nursing a hangover is more fun BECAUSE IM IN HOLLAND! It has been hard to stick with drawing a picture a day since there is so much to do and see, but i am not giving up just yet.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Keeping it real old school. Jonsi is magical, I want to hold him and kiss his googly eye. This is the perfect jam for wandering the castle grounds at dusk, under the arbors of trees that feel like caves, along the canals, mosquitos making a second atmosphere. Make sure you get to the part where Jonsi sings in to the body of the guitar and then imagine if he sang in to your body...
Friday, August 19, 2011
Going to buy peanut butter at the market is infinitely harder when everything is in another language. This was in and amongst all the other things that looked like peanut butter, however the magical cookie on the front of the jar is not a euphemism for delicious as i had assumed. It means this is a paste made of pre-chewed cookies, that you are meant to spread on toast. Its got kind of a golden grahms inspired flavor to it, pretty good actually. Just not what I expected. In case you were wondering, yes! It also comes in chunky.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
missed the bus stop a couple times but finally made it to meet the group. it is lush and quiet except for the five or so of us who are drinking beer and eating stroofwaffles and getting really stoked on eachothers company. i saw a bunch of deer grazing and there was a buck with this huge rack of fuzzy antlers. The Netherlands is in fact an idylic land of enchantment. All the stress I was feeling fell away just as most predicted it would, i am beyond amazed to be here finally. We rode the bus in to Breukelen today and wandered around, its just how I picture Europe in my head, cobblestone streets, canals, precious little outdoor cafes, gorgeous old buildings, church bells...but the best part is that its all real. There is a lot of open space, lots of sheep! so i bought some locally made sheepy cheese and some artisan bread from this little outdoor market and of course it would make any cheese lover thank god they're alive. Went to a sex shop because it was there out in the open amongst all the cafes and clothing stores, it was like if apple decided to make dildos...very chic. I was impressed by the unabashed decleration of sexuality. Also, ive never seen so many bicyles in my life. They get their own lanes on the road, and most of them mean business. If some one rings their bell it means get out of the way or you WILL get shanked. It feels like everything is better here, but that might just be because Europe and I are in the honeymoon phase.
Recipe for existensial crisis...wander around the airport alone and crying and listening to Elliot Smith. Not a single familiar face in the crowd, gibbering in a bunch of languages I don't understand. I have never been this alone, maybe also never been this independant and free? I pulled my shit together and got on the plane like everyone else. Air Canada gets a big thumbs up from me on account of the personal touch screen monitors loaded with movies I actually want to watch...it helps that they fed me and gave me free whiskey gingers, but the trans atlantic flight was a breeze. My flight was late coming in to toronto, so I had to run to catch my connecting flight to munich. They held the plane on account of little old me, even called my name on the speakers souding through the whole damn airport. You WILL get dirty looks when you're the last asshole to board the plane a cool 10 minutes late. I haven't slept much in the last few days so I feel a little buggy. Everything feels surreal. I still don't understand yet that I am 7000 miles from home and I won't be back any time soon. No matter, I lived through all the airport shuffling, and the fun hasn't even begun.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
|The cover in all its glory|
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
I am writing this from a four inch square of black plastic in the back of a cafe, with a cup of coffee in hand. scary. i think i am going to get a tattoo today, it seems fitting on the eve of this life changing journey. they help me remember who i am and who i have been.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
In the effort of keeping things mellow to the point of not breathing. Heard this one in that new movie Crazy, Stupid, Love which was alright actually. But the song is real good and the video for it wins major points with me since it is using paper craft to its highest potential.
Like most people lately, the first words out of my mouth are "I went to the new Target yesterday..." Holy god it is like a city unto itself. I am not sure how to feel about having so many choices. Do I want the plain clorox bleach, or the lavender scented bleach. Beguiling to stare down a whole row of face wash, then a whole OTHER row of toothpaste, and be forced to choose. Which one is right? Which one says the right thing about me as a person? I will say I got probably the softest pair of underwear I have ever owned, that alone was worth the existential crisis. 15 days until liftoff. I am in an eerie state of calm, even though there is so much to do. I estimate this will last a few more days, then I will be thrown into the crushing anxiety of actually leaving. In the meantime I am supposed to be writing papers that are due on arrival, finishing a zine, starting my research project etc. But instead I go watch trashy romcoms and sleep until 11. Old habits are hard to break and I am a compulsive procrastinator (but really, I would like to meet someone who isn't).