Sunday, March 18, 2012

Back from the almost dead

I haven't made a single motion to update this shit since I got home from Europe. It didnt really seem right. Traveling was the whole raison de etre...and I felt like after that what could I possibly have left to say? Europe has become one of those major lines of demarcation in my life, along with the death of my mother and sundry ex boyfriends. Everything is figured into a before or after kind of time line. So basically the plane landed in LA, I balled my eyes out to be home in California...and then I flatlined. Its hard to be skipping from lecture to cafe to bar to bed ad nauseum in a half dozen amazing cities, and then come home and go back to normal life. I mean, I was warned the come down would be tough but jesus christ. I lost all intrest in drawing, writing, all the things I THOUGHT gave my life meaning. All I could do was sit on the couch and knit and try and make sense of what the fuck just happend to me, question every single thing I had been doing with my life pre-Europe. I havent even come close to figuring any of it out but I have shaken off enough of my slump to start drawing again...if only after a few warm up glasses of wine and the aide of some mopey bullshit on my headphones. I made a big commitment and bought myself a few new pens, sharp nibs, and a fresh pot of ink. Not sure to what avail. But its something. Its funny, when I quiet down and get as serious as Im going to about drawing, I start to remember things. Little things I forgot about, or thought too inconsequential to put somewhere more easily accesable. Like tonight I remembered that every night in the Czech Republic (deep in the mid trip depression) I would stand in this courtyard outside the apartments and smoke one final cigarette before going in for the night. I would be for just that brief time, totally alone and quiet. And it felt good to be that far away from home and familiarity, but still find comfort in some small ritual. I miss that feeling. I like when they come back like that, to let me know its not all gone. Everything that happend that whole four months is stuffed in this brain somewhere and it will float back to me at will. Probably when I need it most.

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