Only in the agony of parting do we look into the depths of love

Saturday 9/3: I will miss all of the people from Noise. Though I learned a valuable lesson...never give a pack of restless feminists access to unlimited booze, unless you want shit to get so real. The next thing you know I am half undressed and having a US vs UK wrestling match on the muddy lawn (US always loses aka I might be a little concussed) then unceremoniosly vomiting into the shelf toilet. This morning there is more than just a little death behind the eyes, and we had to be out of the dorms by noon...dragging an overstuffed suitcase all over hell and creation was not SO much what I wanted to do today, but I ate some street food and now I feel less like the poster child for the zombie apocalypse. Gotta lay off the sauce, but when don't I say that...and the next thing a beer magically apears in my hand and I dont EVEN remember how it got there. Anyway...Strowis is rad, the guy running the show is wearing a Pixies shirt and Blonde Redhead is on in the commoms (obviously music choice directly corralates to quality of hostel). Its close to good food and even a tattoo shop (just saying) though negotiating six girls in one room might be a true test of my good christian nature. I think maybe I need to take myself out to the movies tonight, as a reward for surviving the last two weeks, the last 24 hours, the last 26 years.

Sunday 9/4: Thunder and lightening all night in between frightening fever dreams...I am not getting out of bed today. Old story.

Make with the Noise

The Noise conference is almost over which means they will be kicking us out of the castle. It isnt that big of a deal because it has lost a lot of its former charm in the face of bad cafeteria food, nightly keggers on your lawn, hazing rituals, and shitty looks from the business kids who actually attend the university. Turns out they aren't so keen on sexuality or feminist theory, but to each their own. It was a real intense way to start out this trip, but also such a privelage to be a part of. I realized I am totally fucking smart enough to be here once I stop being a baby, and start applying myself. Also if you dont know what the hell they are talking about...look it up on wikipedia. Not a joke. It makes me wish I had taken my whole scholastic career as seriously as I have taken the last few days, its so rewarding. Oh well wish in one hand and shit in the other, see which one fills up faster. Its starting to set in that I am not going home for a long time. If I think about it too long I feel the creep of a lonley and homesick whiney baby, and I can't let that asshole ruin this trip for me. We are moving to Strauvis on saturday which is a former anarchist squat turned hostel, situated in the heart of darling Utrecht. Back to civilization, where I can get a real meal or at least some french fries and mayo, instead of having to subsist on a salami hidden under my bed and hard boiled eggs I pilfered from the lunchtime salad bar. There are even movie theaters where I can catch up on all the american made crap I missed out on before I left (yes I came all the way to Holland to watch Cowboys v Aliens with Dutch subtitles).

Drawing of the day

Its stormy today and my senses are in a state of temporary lassitude. all i can do is lay in bed and listen to music and draw. ill emerge tomorrow from my hyperbaric bed chamber ready for another week of mind fucking.

Amsterdam

woke up at the crack of three pm after staying up until six am the night before, dancing at a club. weekends are free so some of us decided to wander around amsterdam, we are here so why not? I saw all the things you're supposed to see...red lights and women in the windows selling their bodies for sex. I smoked some weed in a cramped little cafe, with lots of glowing glass hookas that changed colors, a perfect stoney delight to stare at. Amsterdam really facilitates the pot head...every corner is pastry shop and stalls selling french fries. So naturally I ate a hot chocolate covered waffle and some fries with mayo and curry sauce topped with onions, real good. It is a city of hedonistic delight, all bars and weed cafes and sex everywhere. Theres so many people wandering around the tiny streets and we are all fucked up on something or looking to get fucked up anyway. It was too late by the time we got there to go to any museums which is a drag because thats what I want to see the most. It was good to walk aimlesly and look at the pulsing masses doing whatever it is in their head to do, ride a boat down the canal with a bucket full of beer, eat at a little cafe, pick up a prostitute...you know. One final gift on the train ride home...a drunk young man across the aisle from me unzips and starts peeing in his empty beer can. real classy.

The....Jam

So since I spend all day studying feminist theory and there is a resurgance of love for all things 90's here is a nice cross section of the two...kick out the lady jams. Sub question, can you rock that fucking hard in a halter top?

I have been in Breukelen for a week now. I think I am finally getting a hold on the acedemic wankery and even starting to thoroughly enjoy it. Today we had an epic discussion about power differentials in desire and sexuality, and masculinity and globalization. Slowly these abstract theories are coming in to focus and I am learning how to think about things more critically which is good...the whole point maybe. Im getting all kinds of wicked smart. I barely have time between class all morning and debates all afternoon then wine drinking cigarette smoking round table at night to do anything else. The people are good, from so many different places, Mary is teaching me Italian slowly as we fight through conversation in english, Karen is the sparkle junkie from Brooklyn who can turn anything into a pop culture reference, Eleanor works at a movie theater just like me only on an island in Maine. Theres so many of us, and I am slowly making the rounds to get everyones story. All the unique snowflakes as Max would say. Its funny how fast this has become what feels like home, or normal anyway. I have my funny little routines just like at home, but different because I am here. There are things I dont miss, like driving a car, talking on a cell phone, showing up for work...Its a good vacation from the drudgery of normal life, even though this life has its drudgery too, its fun because its different. The weekend is coming and I think we are all going to get lost in Amsterdam, you know no big deal.

first day of school

Oh my stars there is plenty of distraction here in Breukelen but yesterday was the first day of the NOISE conference. Think of it as masters and Phd level lectures on queer and feminist theories of sexuality by day, and by night a feminist summer camp. We had a getting to know you bbq last night, there are some amazing people here and the profesors are some of the most brilliant women in the field. It is super intimidating. There are times I dont quite understand everything, because they get so heavy in to theories ive never heard of and speak in the languge of academia which i am less than familiar. if you want a real education, come to europe, they are not fucking around. Its made all the more magical because we are nestled in the elaborate forrests of Kaastle Njyenrode. Yes its a real castle. Does it have a moat and a draw bridge? Of course. So far everyday here has been the most rad fun ever, even laying in bed nursing a hangover is more fun BECAUSE IM IN HOLLAND! It has been hard to stick with drawing a picture a day since there is so much to do and see, but i am not giving up just yet.